..Or discovering how to “be”.
Up until this point, I didn’t know it was possible to have a psychedelic experience on marijuana. I didn’t even know the stuff existed before May 2017. I’ve since had enormous benefits (literally..) and learned a lot about myself & how people work from my experiments in this area. I never thought weed would fit me so well.
These are my (somewhat random) findings:
Trip 1, One long step:
It all began one night after helping a friend through their mushroom session. He decided to smoke some weed after his trip while we were chatting about everything that just happened.
He offered it to me, and well…science isn’t about why, its about why not. I was interested in its effects on the mind, especially after having experienced mushrooms. I’d previously tried cannabis once before, but due to my autism found the taste and consistency unbearable and so didn’t bother with it.
This time however, since drinking ayahuasca a month ago my hypersensitivity has been greatly reduced, and so I just kept going and going until there wasn’t any left!
Within 5 minutes I started to notice some effects. Everything became quite hilarious, with endless giggles & laughter. All over-thinking and filters were greatly reduced. Rather a lot of the following conversations were about the fact that this was a plant, that I’d changed compared to my previous isolated lonely life of PC repair, and that I was socializing for real!
After some time, I stood up and walked across the room. I immediately felt really shitty inside and sat down on the sofa trying to explain what happened. I spent half an hour or so trying to work it out, and kept thinking it was something to do with relationships or other major events in my life. Turns out it was, but it was a lot simpler than that..
I lay down, closed my eyes, and shut down my thought process.
That had been impossible except automatically on mushrooms, I could consciously steer the thought process and disconnect senses if I wanted to. For example I could turn off the ability to feel literally anything. After I shut down all input/senses/thoughts, I was left in a state with no “I” in it. A state of pure “being”
It was then that I became aware of my penis.
In a flash I can only describe as ionized air conducting thousands of volts of electricity, I literally felt connections forming in my mind and in about 5 seconds discovered sexuality!
This was rather surprising as you could have guessed! It resulted in an enormous blast of laughter and giggles from everyone else in the room.
The rest of the evening was spent spectacularly flirting with everyone, the most dirty crude and sometimes very clever jokes, and an early night where I also discovered masturbation, (I was up until about ~5am practicing..)
Trip 2, Atlas:
A few days later, I thought I’d have a little bit before bed to see if it would help me sleep. I put on the best music of all time (Atlas by FM-84), lay down, turned out the light, covered my eyes and waited. I was able to very easily get back to the same state I had last time, a sort of “flowing” “in the moment” state. I turned off thoughts and input, then waited.
This time it was very much a trip. I had closed-eye visuals, both scenes and geometric, I felt myself melting into the bed, no sense of self, and of course experiencing every emotion at once as the music progressed.
I realized quite a few things here about my future. I know I’ve got to rely on myself at times, and that the future will never just come along and knock on my door. I’ve got to go and get it, as hard as that is, otherwise I’ll be on this laptop for the rest of my life watching rubbish on the internet every night.
This one taught me that I could actually steer this state and explore my mind, not just hang on for the ride like mushrooms do! Much more testing needed!
It also helped me get to sleep within 10 minutes, which is unheard of for me!
Trip 3, Endless Summer:
After the events of the last one with the most emotional album of all time, I decided to put on Endless Summer by The Midnight, the 2nd most awesome album of all time, and see where it took me.
Here are the notes that I made during the session:
- Feels so much more like “me”. Life “flows”, very pet-like.
- Mushrooms are very “serious”, while weed is very much a “fun” plant.
- Vision moves to next frame via very fast flow, not instant flick like when sober.
- “Be” state is very flow-y. Ridged flick,snap,one to the other thinking = logical thought.
- This is what music does to people too, but they can only sense the flow in emotion usually. Here emotion is the base state.
- Weed is very good for typing, brain debugging, so much more “in the moment!”
- Endless Summer = “doing”, FM-84 = “being”. Both halves of brain!
- Bad ridged music = logic, routine, safe, but no life 🙁
- Disconnecting one’s body is kind of fun..
- Having every physical feeling at once, cancels out each other/everything/nothing feeling. Ego death?
- There’s a very fine line between imagination, dreaming, and memory.
- Can steer self into each one separately. Can tell which one it is.
- Psychedelics replace external self with internal one, observing your real emotional self before routine and logic took it away.
- “Will always be a part of me. Is me.”
- Song lyrics pop into conscious from sub-conscious, always always relevant.
- Humans are social, not logical, at birth.
- Psychedelics allows one to see themselves in no, 1st, 2nd, and 3rd person.
- 2nd person is required to know one is not shit.
- Endless Summer is very much love and hornyness! “life” music.
- Music so inter-connected to emotions. No emotions = no life. No emotions all life = life is a bad trip.
- Lyrics follow music, words have emotional connection. Words without emotion behind them mean nothing. “get to know” etc.
- “Flowing is life, not ridged logic.”
- “∞, both, BOTH, each compliments the other!”
- Ridged, routine, grey, rain, clouds, England = depression, lonely, death, fear 🙁
- Flowing, changing, moment by moment purple neon 80’s retro = future, music, partner, hope.
- Amsterdam is fun because people can do this
- Weed could fit autism very well, more connected to their emotions, less to routine.
- “Need a partner we can do this together with for sure. Screw politics!”
- “Need to find someone to experience sexuality with! abandoned for so long and then pop!”
- “Weed is LITERALLY funny. Big weeeed plant, tons of weed, weed baggies, big Chinese bong, enormous spliffs and oh I really shouldn’t [keeps going]”
- “Its like pooping is natural and not “funny” yet other stuff that isn’t funny is not. Some people don’t like to admit they have an anus.”
- “Find more horny giggle music”.
- Can steer self around and literally do it, switched between dream state, memory, old ones too, present, imagined/generated..
- Bloody routines built-in! just tried to click pornhub even while semi-tripping.
- Need a totally new life, not patching the old one!
Trip 4, Release:
I decided to explore myself more and and see what else I could discover. One Monday evening I smoked one bowl (~0.1g), sat back in my beanbag, and began the playlist.
This time was interesting. It showed me that cannabis can be therapeutic in releasing of stuck emotions and built-up stress.
I was chatting away laughing and a very deep emotional song came on. I felt “heavy” and sort of “empty”, then tears build up and everything came out. They weren’t sad tears, or happy ones. They were third option tears. Tears of release.
We worked out that, for me, cannabis has a curve like this:
You get the peak giggly time, then the low emotional release, then back to a somewhat-smaller peak as it fades out over the next 4 hours or so.
This is quite unlike mushrooms, where you get a peak like below:
Here is a list of things I said that my assistant documented during the event:
- Sine wave – infinity symbol – conversation is sine wave, flows
- “This is me”
- This room is perfect for being, not tripping
- “Rubber biscuit”
- “I can delay the universe by slowing it down! That’s how I speak so much faster than everyone”
- The square wave of milk – no taste, then milk taste, then goes away
- “The moment caught up with the memory, both became the same, tears and emotional release”
Trip 5, Replay:
I went away for a 3 day weekend to stay with a friend. That evening I learned how to steer the internal camera around and observe *past* trips from new perspectives!
I replayed Atlas and bits of the trip from the 65g Psilohuasca trip replayed themselves, but this time I was able to look around and see different angles! One very important part was about things in life having balance. Everything has its opposites or things that complement each other, but the song that made me aware of this didn’t seem to fit at the time.
I now know why. There are more perspectives than one is usually aware of. This is how problem solving works, its always easier to fix someone else’s problem than your own, as you’ve not got internal bias, filters, emotions etc in the way.
Trip 6, Flirty II:
So my friend came over to plan his next mushroom session, and I decided to smoke a little to help my thought process. We got the plan worked out, then it inevitably went off into a dirty direction as weed always seems to for me. He said he counted 37 instances of flirting, with both him and my assistant, and after quite a bit of very unproductive chat we worked out the following:
- All music playlists since mushrooms were about love and relationships. I literally didn’t even realize this until now, obvious really..
- I’ve spent the last 6 years trying to work this out, after that vacbed in 2012 changed my life.
- I need to get into this state to relax, nothing else does it.
- I first became aware of sexual feelings on the 65g Psilohuasca trip, but couldn’t interpret it back then.
State without sense of self (pure “be”, also known as subspace, relaxation/mindfulness etc):
- Overloading or removing all physical senses (BDSM bondage stuff, vacbed etc)
- Large doses of psilocybin or cannabis
- Enough physical input over time (scratching back, head etc)
- Physically being next to a partner 🙁
Trip 7, Friendship:
After my friend’s mushroom session today, we both smoked a little weed and chatted.
The thing about music is that it always means something different each time you listen to it. I put on Atlas (of course) and this time it was all about friendship and helping each other. He got the same feeling even though I never mentioned it until an hour into the session!
I could almost steer it for him using my words, which was very interesting.
Trip 8, Self:
So today I decided to find out how much was too much, and take it up to 11.
After smoking 3 bowls I realized that weed seems to have a built-in self limit. There comes a point where you simply forget to smoke any more, you realize you need to, then just get lost back in the trip again.
This one showed me something to do with my sense-of-self, though I’m not entirely sure what it was. “self-confidence” comes close. It was very emotional, and very visual, almost like mushrooms.
I think things will make more sense after another mushroom session..