Making sense of the self
Psychedelics & Autism – 1 year on
If you’ve not yet read Part 1 of my journey, this might not make sense..
Hey, sorry for the lack of new content on here recently, I’ve still been integrating the events of last year’s 108g Psilohuasca trip. Its like the hard drive LED has been solidly “on” since June 2017 processing all this!
Needless to say I’ve not taken any trips since last year. I knew the time wasn’t right, and that I’d only have more to think about. So instead I’ve been having weekly cannabis vape sessions and working through the backlog of data. I’ve discovered that cannabis is enormously therapeutic in understanding of one’s own mind, and making sense of the “self”, the ego, the person having the experience.
It is a psychedelic after all.
I’ve since documented 48 WeedChat sessions, watched only a quarter of the footage back, and edited none of them for my YouTube channel. I do want to publish these, but I’ve got to edit 5+ hours of what my friend calls “stoned rubbish” down to something vaguely watchable, and its always more beneficial to film another session than spend a day alone at the computer editing the last one..
But I digress
Now, on the 1 year anniversary of the 65g trip, I’ve realized quite a few things after not taking any mushrooms since last year:
- All the mental changes and knowledge gained from the mushrooms has remained. I can still look at people, hold a conversation, order my own food etc.
- All the physical changes, sleep, energy levels etc, have gone back to baseline 🙁
- My emotional “intensity” has decreased back to 2016 levels
- My bad sleep patterns have returned
- Hayfever season has recently hit, reducing my energy levels to near zero
- I need to get back into tripping every 3 weeks. This was the most productive time of my life, and I’ve done basically nothing these last 12 months.
- That symbol is important to me. It first appeared on the 65g trip, and showed me “you’re NOT shit”, in the most intense, undeniable way possible
- Music drives emotion. Literally music now has this amazing effect for me of changing my mood within seconds, and I can always choose the perfect song for the mood / moment.
- I’ve not yet revisited the ego death from the 108g trip. This is what put a fidget spinner in the works so to speak, and why I stopped taking mushrooms 🙁
Two months ago, on WeedChat #54, I decided to re-play the song from the peak on the 108g trip, the one that was playing as I thought I was about to die.
Hammock – Ten Thousand Years Won’t Save Your Life
I really should have done this sooner. It caused a flood of tears, not bad tears, but tears of…amazement?…beauty?…not-quite-sadness? I literally didn’t have emotions for it but I know it needed to happen.
Something changed after this, and I started making plans to go back there and this time do it right.
I’ve since taken 1.5g of mushrooms alone by myself to see, and it gave me a firm reminder that, yes, this remains unaddressed and needs to be fixed (if that’s the right word, more like re-experienced with a new mindset).
One small hit for man..
I’d decided to start microdosing 0.23g mushrooms every 3 days, to try and help my energy levels while I worked out how to get back into big trips.
One Monday morning I’d slightly over-done it with the dose, 0.3g instead of 0.23g (I was half asleep..), and was feeling some of the mushroom physical effects like enhanced touch, slightly strange gravity, etc, but no mental effects as far as I could tell.
That all changed when I took one (small) hit from the bong..
After no more than 30s I went from sober to feeling like I’d smoked two entire joints of finest Dutch weed. It was amazing, I then had a very powerful emotional overload/release that I missed so much from my early sessions.
I’d never had so little cannabis effect me like this before. I realized that, for me, weed amplifies emotions and uses energy, but mushrooms are the “fuel” so to speak. The cannabis provided the trip with the music, while the mushrooms powered it.
This explains why the past few months’ sessions weren’t as intense as the first few last year. All the mushroom energy has worn off over the last 11 months 🙁
I’m working on it however, and will take 1.5g mushrooms for the next session, and see what they have to show me..
The story continues here in Part 3