The Saga Continues..
Hey, just a quick update to the blog. A few things worthy of note have happened since my last post.
Around 3 weeks ago I had an emotional breakdown due to a relationship issue that had been ongoing for the last year or so. My friend came round to chat about things, and he said I should take 2g of mushrooms and figure it out. He’d be there as my sitter and help with things.
I was filled with dread and anxiety before I took the mushrooms, having not taken any since last year and not planning this trip beforehand.
It was a much needed purge of bad emotions and stress. He was right, it really did help and I realized I can’t keep helping others while not taking care of myself as well, lack of balance. But that soon faded away into giggles and visuals, then tears and laughter 🙂
I felt a lot better afterwards, though very hungry, so we went to Mc Donald’s at 1:00AM and talked a lot about life. Mc Donald’s was just as greasy and crap as usual.
Some time passed, the relationship issue was worked out with the other person 2 days ago, and we both realized we can’t keep trying to fix the other person, we can only fix ourselves.
3 weeks later..
Yesterday afternoon I took 5g of very potent mushrooms. This was the biggest trip since the events of last year, and I was terrified before I’d even drunk the tea (which was blue/green and full of magic)
They don’t call it a “heroic dose” for nothing. It hit within 10 minutes, with a peak at 35mins or so. It was very very intense.
The intentions for this trip were to:
- Heal myself before others
- Find places my energy is being wasted
- Make peace with the ego
I also know for sure that harmalas are required for me. Its either the MAOI properties on their own, or the synergy with psilocybin, but 5g mushrooms on their own was a short hard peak then back down again just as fast. Total trip only lasted ~2 hours or so until I started debriefing with visuals.
I discovered that physical bodily feelings are so hyper intense that they can ruin the mental effects and override everything. I’ve always absolutely hated physical discomfort (autism makes this unbearable) and this is what I need to fix next. This is why throwing up caused the death feeling on the 108g Psilohuasca trip, ego death hit at the worst possible time
I also must take care of this body, or the mind won’t work well either. I’ve been trying to lose weight for the past few months, exercising as much as I can (though I do keep having too many fries, also due to the relationship issue..)
I also had a very amusing though obvious realization (aren’t they all?) that hoarding porn isn’t good for the mind. I deleted ~4TB of it after the trip 🙂
Another important factor was the WeedChats. Fun though they are, I’ve been using too much cannabis recently (*also* due to the relationship issue) and being stoned and tired most of the time is useless. I’ve totally quit weed, and will only use it on special occasions such as the upcoming holiday in Amsterdam.
I don’t really know where to go from here in terms of life, but the plan next is to take 2g with harmalas, see how it goes, then once I’ve got the weight down to a sensible level, go back and experience the ego death event again from a new perspective, hopefully rewiring the negative associations from the 108g trip.
Will update the blog with progress 🙂